I choose to

I stare at the screen – immobilized. I see the words etched across, mouth gaping, eyes stained and dumbfounded. It is a blatant truth that I have been scorning, overlooking and passing all my life. And, here it is. Wow, what a great time for a random test on Google to remind me my biggest fear.

Of all the things that I am incapable of doing, letting go of the ones I love has by far been the worst. You need to bear with me as this blog might more so look like a diary entry. But since writing makes me feel better and I don’t maintain journals anymore nor do I have anything to say to one person in a mail (for those of you who don’t understand – I write emails when I find it difficult to vocally express something) – This.

It is the cruelest thing you can ever do to me. You made a decision that you knew would destroy me and you didn’t even bat an eye. It was like just another day for you.

I wish I could tell you this, slam the door right behind me and walk away. But, where to?

You. I would come back to you. Even if it means I need to cross the planets and seas. I still would.

This is one of the biggest problems you would face when your world is too small. Besides what kind of a friend would I be, if I don’t do that. The worst thing is I am happy for you. I am happy in ways I can’t even write about. In any version of reality, I would be and you know that.

But all that said, you know what? I would miss you. I would miss being around you, spoiling you. I would miss seeing your face every morning, cuddling you, taking you out in the rain, acting like we are gay in front of others. I would simply miss being by your side.

I would miss torturing you, being your movie buddy, playing with your hair, arguing over simple things in life and protecting you. Above all, I would miss not being at an accessible distance.

Well, things do not end there, all this, while I thought to let people go off the hook, was the most difficult part, you proved me wrong. It’s being the same and not being able to meet them every other day. It’s the long distance friendships that hurt. It is the relocation that hurts.

Maybe I should give people a chance to know what a fearfully wonderful make you are. Of how you are worthy of love and good things, of how you are capable of changing the world. But, then I can be possessive in a way that doesn’t look possessive at all.  And, that gives me a cringe on my neck.

I can’t promise you that things will be fine. But, I promise you I will try. Because there is not one thing that I would want to change, even if I can. That’s the worst part of growing up, your dramas don’t count. Nearby or far away – you will always continue to be the rattle in my stars.

Much love.

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